Fighting the Bitter Battle
I was visiting YAHOO!’s new sub-site, Shine!, their version of iVillage.com and in perusing the discussion entries on the home page, I came across this one which peaked my interest:
Please...Convince My Husband!!
by Curious,
Hello friends...
I am a married stay at home mom of one son who is 3 1/2 yrs of age. I desprately would love to have another child. My husband acts like the sun rises and sets around our son and also they are best buddies and has pretty much declined to add on to our family.
He promised at the end of last year we would start trying and that was the second "put off". Now he says mabey at the end of this year. We are financially secure and I am sick of all the excuses to keep waiting!! To me, the longer we wait the harder it will be to jump back into baby mode!!
All of my friends and our neighbors are on there 2nd or 3rd child. Everytime I hear of someone having another baby, I cry inside and out. Happy for them, and dissapointed for myself. What do I do next?? HELP ME!!!
Here was my response:
I find your post disturbing on many levels.
First, is your only purpose in life to reproduce?
Have you no other fulfilling activities?
Education, the arts, politics, volunteer work – a job, perhaps?
Second, the fact your are looking to “convince” your spouse to have a child is disturbing. He will not only resent you in the long run, but the child as well.
And finally, the fact you bring attention to your neighbors being on their second and third child is disgusting. If you want to keep up with the Jones, move to the suburbs and buy a BMW. Children are not accessories.
I suggest you speak with your husband about your life’s goals as it seems you both are not on the same page.
In the mean time, read a book and go volunteer at your local soup kitchen – or, get a job.
***
Why is it my response seemed the only one of common sense?
Other comments include:
“children are such a blessing”
“you’re husband will come around”
Blah, blah, blah….does anyone not see this is a bad situation?
And, of course the one comment beyond mine questioning her motivates as well, received responses like, “Sorry you are so bitter.” UGH.
If you would like to also send a comment to this delusional chic, click on the link.
http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/entertainment/please-convince-my-husband-177921/
In the meantime, to those who want something new on your wrist, go to the mall.
Actually, your comment sounded pretty bitter to me.
The feelings you have seeing another person with a baby are nothing like seeing your neighbor's new car. That was totally uncalled-for. You evidently have no experience in having love for a child, so I will put that down to ignorance on your part.
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Welcome, hostile new friend, Tom!
It is nice to receive a male's point of view.
Perhaps, I am a bit bitter about society's benchmark of success for females being her uterus' contributions to the world versus contributions made by, oh, I don't know, her mind. But, you would know what that's like, right TOM.
And, perhaps you could fill me in on why my suggestions to another female about furthering her education, volunteering, and contributing to society in other ways beyond childbirth makes me ignorant?
Do you agree with that women's situation - trying to convince someone to impregnate her because she wants to keep up with the Jones? Is that an example of having love for a child?
I feel, when placing that woman in that situation, she is looking for an accessory to wear and parade around town. I do not feel she was being a responsible adult, but rather, I feel she was being ignorant on her part.
Thank you for pointing out my ignorance!
Welcome!
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Sorry, I didn't mean to be hostile. It's a little difficult to disagree in purely neutral terms, especially when discussing "fightin' words" like "accessories" as applied to children.
I never claimed what you said about promoting contribution to society in ways other than motherhood makes you ignorant. I'm merely saying there's no reason to hate on her for choosing motherhood. Curing cancer is a truly great accomplishment. On the other hand, raising a healthy, well-adjusted family is nothing to sneeze at. Long before that brilliant scientist was a Nobel-winning cancer specialist, she was a kid. Somebody had to raise that kid -- and frankly, deserves kudos for doing a good job of it. You wouldn't appreciate being denounced for choosing a life that didn't involve kids; don't put this woman down for choosing a life that revolves around them. As they say in the backpacking community, "Hike your own hike."
What I DID say you were ignorant about is how she feels about babies. If you had ever loved a baby, you would know better than to compare that to wanting an "accessory to parade around town." Loving a child is infinitely more complex and deep and rewarding than owning a BMW or a diamond necklace. Having a child is not about greed and pride and showing off. It's about love. You evidently haven't experienced that relationship yet, or you wouldn't characterize it the way that you did. You would also recognize that the ache she feels for another child of her own, when seeing the neighbors with their babies, is nothing like the envy you might feel on seeing a new SUV in the neighbor's driveway.
There is at least one other logical fallacy in your reply. There is no reason to believe that she has no other activities that are fulfilling in their own way. Where did she say she never reads a good book or volunteers? Be that as it may, those things are not a replacement for wanting another child, any more than motherhood would be an adequate replacement for wanting a Master's in Economics.
You were on the money when you said that her husband will eventually resent her unless he fully buys into the proposition of a second kid.
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Dear Tom and Josie-
I can see both sides here. Tom, I think it is hard to be a woman these days and NOT want kids. You are judged as selfish, lacking compassion and heart, and simply a social outcast. Some cruel people even think it is satanic to not want kids!
However, if you do have kids and dont work to give proper care to your children which is an incredibly difficult job, you are seen as a dependant. You are defined by your husband and family (there is Tom's wife or Mrs so and so, or Johnnie's mommy) You almost have no identity that is strictly your own. As, of course you have to take your husbands name when you were married.
I think the US is starting to be more accepting, but it still has a far way to go. We seem to be able to throw stones at everyone regarless of our own situation!
Being a woman is still a double edged sword. No matter what you do, someone has a problem with you.
The bottom line here is that you should do what makes you happy, not what society tells you to. I think that is what Josie was getting at. Having individuality and defining yourself instead of fitting the mold society has carved for us is what it should be about.
And just so you know, there are crazy people out there who want kids because their friends have them. I have really only seen men do that, but, it can be possible with women to. I cant imagine it personally!
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Collette_
You just said what I have been trying to say for a LONG time.
And, I DO know a few women who have wanted kids because a few of their friends were - and, even worse, I knew a FEW who were telling their husband's the doctor took them off birth control "to give their bodies a break"....wink, wink....and, wouldn't you know, oops, they were pregnant (an aside, these FEW women had husbands against having children).
You were dead on by saying, being a woman is a double-edged sword.
Lately, I just give up. Or, I just need a rest from trying to prove my value - without reproducing.
Thank you for your SUPER FANTASTIC post.
AMEN.
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Hello Josie,
I couldn't help but check out your blog site and I had to make a couple of comments on having a second child. My husband and I struggled initally on whether or not to have kids. I told him I would regret it if we did not at least have "1". It was the best thing I had ever did! Yes, it is most challenging to work full time, pursue an MBA and take care of my son and husband but I would not change a thing. So here is my two cents worth on having another. I seriously regret it!!!! I wish we had another right away but with day care costs and my career it just was not in the cards. My son would make a great big brother and he often asks me why he doesn't have a brother or sister. I think that is really what the Mom who you replied to is really thinking about. Maybe she just didn't express it in the right way. I feel as if I am letting my son down sometimes by not giving him a sibling but who is to say they would even be friends when they got older??? Whatever your choice is it has to be a choice made by both parties otherwise resentment will build and you will surely be headed to divorce court. Having children is the the toughest job you'll ever love! I don't care what the Army says.
One thing I did find is black cats make excellent subsitutes for siblings!
Take care,
Dianne
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Welcome Diane.
Thank you for checking out my blog.
And, thank you for such a great response - from a woman.
I, too, believe this woman did not present her case correctly - that was exactly my point.
You must believe having one child was in God's cards for you, and, I am sad to say, you are right, being siblings does not always mean you are friends. I know from personal experience.
Thank you for your honest post - your words are greatly appreciated.
Take care,
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